


The Rita Minute (The Rita Fic-ute?): Newlyweds

by avataroftheprivateeye



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Gen, author does not know what they’re doing, idk. take this fic, nureyev isn’t explicitly evil, that might be important ahdhchdf, wtf do i tag this with?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:27:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28934772
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/avataroftheprivateeye/pseuds/avataroftheprivateeye
Summary: In an hour it will be Buddy and Vespa’s wedding day, and Rita completely forgot she was in charge of decorations! Can she get the deliveries to arrive in time, or will Buddy walk down the aisle to see an empty reception hall come midnight? All this and more, traveler, in The Rita Minute Fic.note from the author: i have no idea what i’m doing but pls enjoy my first fic it is not very good but i had fun writing it anyway ahshddn
Relationships: Buddy Aurinko & Rita, Rita & Jet Sikuliaq
Comments: 2
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter One

It was a dark and stormy night.

At least, I think it was, on Mars. We were actually floating through space at the time, and we weren’t anywhere near Mars, or any planets with atmospheres, so I couldn’t really tell. And besides, I was very absorbed in the current task. A jigsaw puzzle. My fifth one that day. Jet and I had been doing these nonstop since... well, since the announcement! Yeah, I remember thinkin’ about the announcement. That’s when I realized.

“Oh no... Mr. Siquliak!” I said, leaping up from the floor and scattering the edge pieces I had piled up in front of me. “I completely forgot! The announcement!”

He looked up from the floor. “I know. Very exciting, isn’t it? A wedding is a wonderful thing.”

“No, you don’t understand- I was supposed to do the decorations!” I yelped.

He nodded, knowingly. He looked eager to get back to the puzzle.

“But... if I was  supposed to be doing the decorations, and I’m here right now doing jigsaw puzzles for the second consecutive day...”

“I see.” He said, more solemn that usual, and lifting his eyes from the river scene in pieces below him. “What are you going to do, Rita?”

“Don’t worry, Mr. Siqualiak-“

“Jet.”

“Don’t worry, Jet, I’ve got it all under control. If I can’t figure this out, then my name isn’t Rita M- Oh!“ I realized the mess I had made with the edge pieces. “Sorry Jet! I’ll let you clean those up. Right now, Rita has a case to solve!”

I slammed the door behind me and ran into the hall where Buddy had told me the wedding was going to happen. Completely empty. The shining gray walls of the ship had suddenly lost their luster. A pathetic excuse for a backdrop! This was no place to get married. I tried to remember what Buddy had told me.

_It’s all up to you, darling_ , she had said.  _I’m giving you total control over the decorations. This is not a task I would entrust with anyone else - or secretly tell somebody else to do - I know you’re the only one who can be trusted with this responsibility. Do not disappoint me, Rita._

Jeez, it really didn’t sound like that much pressure when she told me, but thinking back, she really was putting a lot on my shoulders! But I shouldn’t think like that. I had to make the day perfect and get all the decorations up before midnight, or the whole thing would be ruined! And it was almost 11:00 PM- wow, I really spent a lot of time doing jigsaws. 

I picked up my comms and pulled up the number for Ambrose’s Roses. I knew in that moment, there was nothing that could stop me from getting those flowers. It would be my duty! My sole purpose in life!  White magnolias... white magnolias...

The phone rung once. And then twice. And then three times. I looked down at the page with the number on it. 

“Uh oh.”


	2. Chapter Two (Do I Need To Name These?)

So Ambrose’s Roses was closed. Had closed, actually, two hours ago. But what was that to stop the great and powerful Rita? Exactly. I would just find another flower shop! I went through the list on my comm’s screen... the only one open was eight astronomical units away.  _Alright,_ I thought,  _I’ll work with what I’ve got._

The phone rang just once, and to my relief, they picked up immediately.

A computerized voice spoke. “Thank you for calling The Bloom Room. Please listen to the options carefully. For the front desk, press 1. For the owner, press 2...”

“Come on, come on...”

It continued. “To hear the status of your order, press 3, or input the order number now. To place an order, press-“

I pressed 4, and pressed it again a few times for good measure. A young feminine voice answered the phone.

“Bloom Room, how can I help you today?”

“White magnolias!” I said.

“..And do you want that in a bouquet, or-“

“As many as you can get me. I need them stat!”

“When would you like to pick them up?“

“I need it within...“ I flicked my wrist to check my watch, and then remembered there was a clock on my comms, and I could never read analog clocks. 

“Oh, it’s 11:05 already- I need it within the next 55 minutes.”

“We might not be able to get there quite that soon, but just to confirm, that’s a bulk order of white magnolias, yes? That’ll be... 430 creds.”

“Four hundred and-“ I stopped myself.  _Calm, Rita! Don’t let Buddy down_. “Alright, yes, whatever you need! I’ll send you the coordinates for the delivery man. We’re floating through space right now, so I can’t give you an address, but...”

“I’m sorry?-“

“There. Thank you!!”


	3. Chapter Three (I Definitely Don’t Need to Name These)

One down, two to go. Next up was centerpieces. There was a place within an astronomical unit of our current location, it seemed. Marital Moments. I put in the number, hit call, and tried to remember what I had sketched out. I had a big plan - a lighthouse, with little miniatures of the crew... how did it go?

“Hello, this is Marital Moments, how can we make your moment?” A voice said.

“Oh, hello! I was looking for a centerpiece. A few of them.”

“Alright, what exactly were you looking for?” They said.

I closed my eyes and tried to remember the sketch. “Hmm... Oh, that’s right! Yeah, just like that. Okay, listen, here’s what I want: It’s gotta be a lighthouse, first of all. That’s a must. And then I want two little figurines on the top. And I guess they’re both wearing dresses, but... one of em has longer hair than the other? So I’m not sure if you’ll have the right minis. Anyway, I want those two on the top. And then on the stairs up to the light house, I want some more miniatures. We’re gonna need... Jet, me, Mr. Ransom, Mr. Steel... yeah, that’s four. Four on the stairs. And then I want the top to spin and light up, just like a real lighthouse, and it would be great if it could be covered in diamonds. But I guess opal is fine if you don’t have diamonds. ...Did you get all that?”

The agent on the other side of the line didn’t answer.

“Hello?” I said.

“We might not be able to make that moment exactly, but, uh...” I heard them clicking through menus. “We do have a lighthouse, it looks like. It’s got seashells. Would that suffice?”

I sighed. “Uhm.... I mean, they never really said they liked sea shells, but Buddy said to make it a surprise, so... Yes! Do it!”

“Okay, so six is the standard amount. For six of the lighthouses, that’s going to be 800 creds.”

“800?! Jeez, the wedding industry in space these days... Alright, fine, 800 creds it is. Thank you, have a nice day!!”


	4. Chapter 4

At this point, I was really thinkin’,  _Rita, you’ve got it!_ It was only 11:20, and the only thing left was the table settings. I called the nearest store, and somebody picked up soon enough.

“Hello! This is Rita! I don’t know what your store is called, but can I get some tablecloths? And napkins too!”

“Of course. What color?” They said.

“Well, white, obviously.”

“We don’t have any...”

I jumped up from the chair I had let myself fall into. “Waddya mean you don’t have any white? It’s wedding season! Everybody needs white, it’s- it’s- it’s what the brides have to wear!”

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but I-“

I sighed and sat back. “It’s okay. What else can you get me?”

“Let’s see here...” They said. “Purple. We’re all sold out on everything other than purple.”

“Oh, they don’t even... alright, do it! I need six.” 

“Perfect. 260 creds.” They said.

“Whatever you say... there. Thank you!” 

I hung up the call and went back to the number for The Bloom Room.

“Thank you for calling The Bloom Room...“

Four! Wait, no, three! I pressed three. 

“Hello?” I said. “This is Rita!”

“Hello,” said the same agent from before.

“I need to change my order. I need all the magnolias in purple.”

“We’ve already-“

“Just get me the purple!”

I hung up again, and this time turned to Marital Moments. The same agent picked up.

“Can you make the lighthouse purple?”

“Good to speak with you! Unfortunately-“

“Alright, never mind. Thanks for your time anyway!” I hung up. 

I felt a scream building up in me, but I pushed it down. I would not lose my cool! I said if I couldn’t solve this case that my name wasn’t Rita, and goddammit, my name was - and is! - Rita. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and tried to recenter myself.  _Remember what Buddy told you... four seconds in, four seconds hold, four seconds out... four seconds in again._

Feeling calmer, I went across to a window on the side of the ship. No delivery guys, but that didn’t matter, cause there was still plenty of time, right? I checked my comms again.

“Oh, my-“


	5. Chapter 5

1:45. Fifteen minutes until doom struck and Buddy would come rip me to shreds, just like she said she would if any Dark Matters agents showed up! Well, she probably wouldn’t rip me to shreds, Vespa would. But I still didn’t wanna get ripped to shreds, no matter who did it! 

_ Alright, think, Rita, think. You can do this. You just gotta come up with a backup plan. Mr. Steel does those all the time! Mind you, he’s normally about to die when he does, but... _

And just like that, inspiration stuck. I would go to the storage room and make the decorations all by myself! Whatever we had in there, there had gotta be something useable. I mean, I’d only ever seen jigsaws, but the wedding decorations were probably... right behind those! I stormed out of the hall and made my way to the storage door. I reached for the handle, and-

“Ransom?”

“Ah!” He stumbled a little trying to avoid bumping into me. I couldn’t really tell what was on his face because it was about a foot above mine, but he sure seemed surprised.

“What are you doin’ here?” I said. “And what’s in that box?”

“Rita!” he said. “Oh, I thought you were- but, no, she’s much taller.”

“Oh, no time for that, Ransom! Listen, I gotta get in that storage room right now, or else... or else...”

I started to imagine the next fifteen minutes of my life. It’s like I could see it playing out before me- a vision! A premonition! Buddy would stroll into the hall, Vespa hand in hand, wearing the most elegant gowns, and they’d look around and the hall and- oh, It was too much to bear! How could I make decorations out of anything in the storage closet? We don’t even keep anything in there except jigsaw puzzles. What would I do?

“Oh, Ransom!” I cried. “I’m sorry, I messed it all up!”

He readjusted the box to get a grip on it again. “What ever do you mean, Rita?”

“I ruined the day, I forgot about the decorations all week, and now they won’t come in time, and- and- and the lighthouse has sea shells on it but I don’t even-“ a sob escaped me. “I don’t think they even like sea shells, Ransom! There’s not enough time to get new ones without sea shells! I’m so sorry, I, I...”

I tried to fling myself into his arms, but the box still stood in the way. He looked at me bewildered.

“Hey, what’s in that box anyway?” I said, wiping my eyes.

He paused for a moment, and then spoke. “Wasn’t  _I_ supposed to...? Oh, it’s no matter. Well, Rita, good news, I have the decorations right here! I could have sworn Buddy put me in charge of... oh, right... yes. Right. Buddy did tell you to do the decorations, of course, but I just thought... I would try to help out!”

“You- You bought the decorations?” I said tearfully.

“Yes. And they’re all in this rather heavy box. So if I could just...” He said, looking over my shoulder.

“Oh, yes- of course! Sorry, Mr. Ransom.” I stepped out of the way, and he walked out behind me. 

_I should thank him,_ I thought. I turned around to catch up with him. 

“Thank you, Nur- sorry, Ransom! Thank you Ransom!”

He stopped, startled. “What did you say?”

“Nothing! Just, thank you, is all!”

“You’re welcome, Rita.”

And just like that, I saved the day. Another night, another case. There’s nothing that Rita can’t handle! But listen, boss, I’ve really gotta get to the ceremony now. What do you mean? You’re the one who asked about the decorations... aw, alright. Thank you, boss. See you there! Rita out.


End file.
